Dating Faux Pas

Undeniably there is something almost childlike in the joy and excitement we get when we are about to embark on a night out where it is a First Date. Reminiscent of what Christmas felt like when we were young enough to still believe there was a Santa Clause and leave cookies out on the windowsill for St Nick to feast on, while he left all your childhood dreams under the tree.

Most of us try a million outfits, reapply our make up an infinite number of times, Facebook stalk him to see how hot he really is, reread messages/emails from/to him, alleviate our worry by chatting incessantly to our friends about where you are going, what he’s like and how you think it will go. And then there are some of us that feel actually nauseous just before we walk into the place of rendezvous.

 

I’m no stranger to first dates, but recently I’ve been both amazed and appalled at just how far away men have strayed from what used to be the standard courtesies of a date. Chivalry isn’t dead; it is just not common practice in Sydney, if these dates are anything to go by. So if you’re looking to avoid getting a second date, here’s some tips from Sydney Singleton’s diary.

Date Number One:  Pukey Pokie Boy

It never ceases to amaze me when good-looking boys assume that their faces will excuse what emits from their mouths. In this case, a very well dressed lad with an impressive job and looks that almost made me lightheaded told me over dinner how he vomits in pokie machines when he’s drunk. And showed me what he looks like doing it. Needless to say, I didn’t find that very enticing.

Date Number Two: Smoothie Pass, Tight Ass

I had set up a first date with a boy who seemed promising. Having had a very active night previously, I had already consumed two coffees and was feeling slightly under the weather. We had agreed to get a Boost smoothie and sit on the beach. When we meet, he informs me that his funds were in an online account and his access pin/card was in the Blue Mountains and he only had $10 to his name. So we had to get a small coffee instead. Nothing says ‘I’m a good catch’ like being penniless and unreliable. Reschedule rather, than arrive with moths in your wallet!

Date Number Three: Wet Fish Wonder

They say the way to a woman’s heart is through diamonds. I don’t disagree with this statement but I do think it starts with something a little simpler then that! A kiss. If you kiss like a wet fish that has soggy sponges for lips, then that’s pretty much a deal breaker.

Date Number Four: Bromance Bruce

Certain careers allow for limited extra curriculum activities if you’re a boy who is based on a work site with a bunch of lads, I can imagine your day gets a bit tedious. However, it’s a little bit like prison – what’s acceptable in one environment doesn’t translate into another. Don’t go on about your drunken mate Bruce who apparently “Gets naked and does that dance when he jiggles his thingy around…. That helicopter dance thing!” all night. Firstly, you look like an idiot in front of girl who doesn’t give two hoots about your drunken court jester of a mate. Secondly, it demonstrates that, at the age of 34, you find these kinds of Adam Sandler-ish antics amusing.

Date Number Five: Dinner Date Deluxe

I don’t know about you, but if a lady is asked out to dinner by the opposite sex, for the first time, it is fairly well assumed that the man will pay. Feminists may disagree, but I don’t believe this is about gender roles, but more a show that the gentleman in question wants to treat the lady, rather than assuming she can’t afford to pay. I am not condemning men who don’t offer this courtesy but for me, this is something I think is just the mark of a gentleman. On this particular occasion, we went to a nondescript Italian restaurant and shared two main meals over one glass of wine each. I am not talking Jamie Oliver’s fine dining experience, just a pizza and a drink. When the bill arrived I offered whether he would like me to contribute at all, I always do, as it is polite (and it’s a good test). I was quite surprised when his reply was, “Yes you can contribute.” I immediately thought maybe I had misread the intelligent, witty conversation and laughter we had shared. Maybe this was more of a friendly catch-up. Or it was a date that had gone so wrong that the guy in question balked at even buying me a pizza. I consented without even a hint of this concern and we left. I continued to chat amicably through our 10 minute walk through the city and was nearly knocked off my feet with the lines, ‘Can I entice you to a night cap?” I literally was shocked to a stand still.  I politely declined and made for the nearest train station. I was particularly surprised because the boy in question works in investment banking, had pursued a dinner date for some time and still had the audacity to text me later and say, “I wish you were here in my bed!” The cheek! He later that week text me and asked if I had blocked him from looking at my pics on Facebook (Which I hadn’t). Sometimes, the little slip-ups are clues to larger failings!

Date Number Six: My Valentines Boy

Although my actual Valentines night wasn’t spent with this young man, he did however pull it out of the bag with a rose and a present dropped at my house and then a fabulous Argentinian dinner on Thursday. He picked me up in a cab, ordered all the things he knew I liked and conversation was both amusing and gentlemanly. One of the best dates since being in Sydney. So not all of them are bad eggs. 

I read the following about Barack Obama’s first date with Michelle the other day. – “I treated her to the finest ice cream Baskin-Robbins had to offer, our dinner table doubling as the curb. I kissed her, and it tasted like chocolate.”

It doesn’t take fine wine and an exclusive restaurant to show a girl you care. Just fine manors and the foresight to make sure you have enough cash to buy a girl a smoothie. As we progress as a species and develop our capacity to learn and develop intellectually, do we lose the traditions that we once held so true? In an age where social conventions and etiquette continue to recede, it’s a sad state of affairs that so few standards remain when it comes to being a gentleman in the dating world.

The Art of Love Making 101

Some fast facts to set the mood… Dim the lights, lock the door! This could get steamy!  

• The average breast size: 44% B Cup
• The average penis (erect): 12.9–15.0 cm
• Average duration of orgasm (male): 3-5 seconds.
• Average duration of orgasm (female): 5-8 seconds
• Percentage of people who orgasm every time they have sex:
• Men: 75%
• Women: 29%
• 42% of women usually have orgasms during sex with their partner.
• 29% always have an orgasm during sex.
• 25% sometimes or rarely have orgasms.
• 4% of women are not orgasmic with their partner.
• When asked, "How often do you fake orgasm?" in an online poll, 1500 women answered:
• I never fake it: 45%
• 1%-25% of the time: 34%
• 26%-50% of the time: 10% 

The conundrum comes into play when we are faced with the age-old question, "Are you good in the sack?”. We can break that down into three key areas: foreplay, felatio and the fantago itself. 

I liken foreplay to getting ready to go out; you don't step out of your door dressed in your tighty-whities or PJs - you polish, pucker and preen yourself to perfection. Right down to that last strand of hair and spritz of eau de parfum. So why should you not spend that amount of time on your partner before you both engage in the "partying" session.  There is a massive misconception here. I openly put my hand up and say women are quite bad at this. Most of us think it’s the man’s job to set the mood and pander to our carnal desires when it comes to prepping the ‘dance floor’ for the wild moves to come, but it is in fact a very equal measure of input here. Ladies… men have their desires too! Sometimes it may be having a headmistress tell them “bend over”, because they have been a very naughty boy (I know clichéd, but you have no idea how effective this is because its so wrong) or a dominatrix throw them around the room (one of my personal favourites) but either way I don’t think we take the initiative enough. This is down to a number of reasons: shyness, insecurity, the fear of looking like an absolute idiot dressed up like a school girl, crossing of a comfort line and experiences of a negative nature. To name a few. I say, to hell with all that! Too long has this sort of behavior been shunned and discouraged to the point that we never really talk about it. Why is it embarrassing? You get to play dress up, play a role that is far from yourself (a sense of fantasy) and be creative in the performance of whatever nature you deem worthy to get your partner in play ready for a night out on the town, and by ‘town’ I mean YOU! Take a leap of faith - no matter what you do, your man will love it!

Then we come to a very sensitive aspect in this process; “Do I give good head?” and I have to laugh here, as I don’t think I have met a man who says that he isn’t the best at this! Got to love their confidence, if not completely wrong in most cases.

Both men and women ask this question and in all honesty, it does depend on who you are with and what they like… BUT saying this, there are a few tips that stand true across all types of  ‘dance floors’.

Ease your way down there. You don’t arrive at the club as soon as it opens. You go for a few pre-drinks and get in the mood for the night ahead. Sure, sometimes you arrive late and the party is in full swing, then maybe, in these cases, you are welcome to boogey down straight away. But in most cases take it easy.

Start slow. They always play the hard house or dance music toward the middle/end of the night when you have consumed multiple drinks and are all fired up to bust out those back breaking moves. No one kicks the night off with some electric house to set the mood, unless you are at that sort of venue, but for this analogy, lets just say we are at a normal bar/club. So take it easy. ENJOY it and make sure your dance partner knows it too. Nothing better then doing the foxtrot with someone who is enjoying doing it with you. Make it fun… don’t do what you think is meant to be done. Try new things! Experiment! Explore! Ask questions! Now… this may be the biggest tip of all: Like all good dancers, you need good rhythm and consistency to your moves. Jiggling all over the place is just not acceptable and make sure you have a firm pressure (that goes both ways). Let me put it simply for you, women like a good brass polishing not a feather duster!

So we are finally here, it’s been a night of playing and exploring the club you’re at. Tasting a few different combination cocktails and letting your hair down. There isn’t much to be said about this part of the evening, as again, it comes down to personal preference but just be open and honest about what you want. Try new things! Push the limits! It’s not hard to become stale in a relationship so spice it up with a new position or some really emotive music. We use all our senses when we engage in intimacy so take that into account when getting close and personal with someone.

One more thing – Is bad sex a deal breaker when you start seeing someone?  Passion is a massive element in the beginning stages of a relationship, so do we put everything on that one aspect? Bad lover doesn’t exactly look great on anyone’s dance card! And when you’re in your late 20s, should we have to go through the motions of instructing and coaching! I am not a dance teacher! Such is the single life!

Thanks to http://www.clitical.com/orgasms/orgasm-facts.php for these facts.

"Its simple boys, if you like a girl, take her out!"

From the dawn of time, the male species from homo sapiens right down to the aves (birds), have had to 'peacock' themselves or battle to get the female of their desire to view them as a suitable match. Polar Bears, for instance, may follow the tracks of a breeding female for up to 100 km or more. He will then have to endure intense fighting with other males over mating rights for an entire week. Then if we take a look at the great romantics over time we find the likes of Shah Jahan, who went down in history for commissioning one of history's most spectacular buildings, the Taj Mahal, in honor of his much beloved wife. And who could forget Giacomo Casanova, who was of the view that a woman's conversation was at least as captivating as her body. This, as well as the multiple and sometimes exaggerated tales of his sexual escapades, has made him a thing of legends in women's eyes. 

Insert modern day date and what do you get? Relationships through texts, conversations via emails and leeringly drunk pick-ups from sub-par conversationalists who reek of too much cologne and are still wearing their sunglasses on their head after 9pm. Insert "Sigh"!  Where have all the men gone? And by men I mean gentlemen/romantics. Have we become so encased in modern technology that we are bound by its restrictions to the point where we cannot formally court a woman anymore? What ever happened to roses, chocolates, serenading, theatre or actually for that matter, just a plain dinner date? 

Here's the thing that started this, Sydney men DO NOT take girls out. I come from a world where, when a lady met a man and there was that initial 'spark', the man would ask her out. They would go to dinner, the man having picked the lady up from her house at an appropriate hour, and get to know each other over a glass of wine and amicable discussions. Depending on the 'spark's' progression (i.e. drinks and the couples attraction, as well as the ladies chastity methods) the night could end in one of two ways (cough cough , wink wink). In Sydney, the average single lady is lucky if the man offers to take her out to a movie and drinks, let alone a bona fide meal at a restaurant! My single gal pals and I have been reviewing the less then adequate behavior of the average male here in this city. Here is the 'norm':

1) Group dates with the guys. How is this impressive or inviting in any way shape or form? Yes, sure I would love to come and get to know you on an evening out with the lads while you all drink beer and make lewd sexual jokes about females. Bucket list stuff!

2) Come over, hang and watch a DVD: This is actually all right but not as the first invite to get to know the girl. At least offer to take her for coffee or make an effort and cook her dinner. All this is doing is setting the standard for what's to come. Not only this, but nine times out of ten the housemates are there and that’s oh so not awkward! 

3) Text a million times without even asking her out. I don’t know if there are males out there that accumulate a dozen or so numbers and use them in the same sort of way we would a social media platform. Engage them, talk to them, but very rarely meet them. A few of my single girlfriends have had men text them for weeks on end without ever being able to tie them down to meet up. Please do tell me what the point is there? Meet a girl, take her number, give her a call and invite her to do something. Even DVDs is better then this one! 

4) This ones a keeper: Gets your number and before even meeting up with you again, starts asking you about what you are wearing. I mean, you love a guy who’s into fashion, but somehow I don’t think that’s what he was asking, was he?

My answer is that men in Sydney are so spoilt for choice with the gorgeous women that parade the streets that the need for 'wooing' or chivalry has next to no necessity. Not only this, but is it also the case that women have lowered their standards to the point where we don’t expect the man to treat us like every other lady in the course of history. Does that make the few of us who hold out for 'Romeo' idiotic or idealistic? Who knows? I just know that I would rather have a cocktail with my girls any day over some cheeseball who thinks a beer at a pub is going to impress me. And there is the age-old saying, if he doesn't ask you out; he just isn't that into you. Well, you can’t argue with that science either. 

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” - Carrie Bradshaw

Welcome to a blog that delves into the world of debaucherous, frivolous fun. Where Absolutely Fabulous meets Bridget Jones, with a twist of Sex and the City thrown in.

The epiphany for the name came one evening when a sweet taxi man, from Mumbai, was taking my friend and I home after an Xmas party. Having found out we were both single, in his striking Indian accent, proceeded to say, "Why you single in Sydney? You are too much of beautiful! You must come over and let my son cook you a curry." Needless to say, the two of us rolled out the cab with the mirth of those that have been partaking in the consumption of too many alcoholic beverages. It stuck with us, and when I was beginning to put this together I couldn't help but smile and type that question out.

For the last two years I have lived the life of a carefree singleton without any long-term constraints of the modern conformity of a relationship. I have delved into a few weeks with some interesting male counterparts but nothing that has withstood my constant desire for spontaneity and a need for change. I have a restless soul that finds normality something of a fable inhabited exclusively by characters in movies and novels. I have traipsed the globe from South Africa to the Middle East, Europe and now Australia. It has been a whirlwind of activity with a central eye on one element, that of the ultimate hedonistic pursuit.

These posts will be a chronicle of not only my embarrassing and hilarious moments but an opportunity for me to capture the essence of a 21st century woman with the aspiration to strike her own path on this red earthed continent. Always of an enquiring mind, it will offer the opportunity to engage like-minded women on the eternal conundrum that is Love, Life and everything in between.

I want this to strike a chord in you, whether you are single, married, recently divorced or just plain tired of the male species. Please feel free to post your questions, comments and stories and I will happily share them if you so wish